It should come as no shock that comparing yourself to others is one of the worst things you can do for your self-esteem. If you are constantly comparing, then you’ll never be happy. If you’re too worried about what everyone else is doing, then you aren’t putting the energy into your life that you should.
By comparing yourself to others, you are making assumptions about them. These are almost always wrong. By envying others, you are damaging your mental health based on
something that might not even be true. Comparing ourselves with other people allows them to drive our behavior, whether they are aware of it or not. This is too much power to give to someone else.
When I started my business, I had a competitor who was always watching what I did. I created a Facebook group, and she invited each person who joined my group to join hers also. I made a YouTube video promoting my Facebook page, and then she made an identical video. Everything she did was a reaction to what I did. Rather than focusing on her own business and the happiness she wanted from it, she was consumed with what I was doing.
I can’t imagine any of this was fun for her. Yes, you should keep tabs on your competitors, but to mimic them all the time isn’t healthy. Ultimately, she sold her business and it fizzled out. Things might have turned out differently for her if she had just focused on her uniqueness and what she had to offer.
We often envy others when they are better at something than we are. We compare ourselves to Mary, who does better PowerPoint presentations, and to Bob, who seems to have a more exciting love life than we do, and to Mike, whose children seem much better behaved than ours. Comparison, when accurate, can be motivating. However, it’s more often than not inaccurate and destructive.
In a world that demands perfection, people are constantly comparing and competing with one another to stay ahead. When we do this, we often end up slowing down our own efforts of improvement. If my competitor wasn’t so concerned with what I was doing, she could have focused on her own goals and interests in order to flourish instead of fail.
If you are constantly comparing yourself to others, you’re wasting time and energy in looking at what you don’t have rather than focusing on what you do have and striving for what you want. Find contentment in your life—love who you are and put effort into changes you want to make.
If you occasionally compare yourself to others, it can be a good thing. As long as you don’t connect such comparisons with self-worth, you can become inspired to reach further and achieve more. This type of positive self-comparison motivates and drives your ambition. Don’t let comparison between you and others become a detriment to your mental health and self-image by only focusing on what they have and you don’t.
Stopping the destructive side of the comparison game is not hard. The more often you practice, the easier it gets.
Step Away from Comparisons
Step 1: Become aware of self-comparison. This is an important step. As I said earlier, some self-comparisons can be useful, but most of the time, they are not.
Step 2: Isolate good comparisons from bad. Exchange envy for admiration. Set a reasonable goal for yourself that uses this good comparison to motivate you.
Step 3: Celebrate your uniqueness. Your value as a person has little to do with what you look like or possess. When you compare yourself to someone else, you deny your own wonderful gifts and talents. Everyone has worth, but the source of that worth is as different as each individual.
Step 4: Compare Yourself to Yourself. I am always striving to do something better than I did before. I take the lessons and combine them with qualities I admire in others to strive for a new personal best. I use my past success and failures as my yardstick to be in competition with myself and no one else.
Always compare yourself with yourself first. When you compare yourself with others, start by admiring their achievements and strengths. Think in terms of awe, inspiration, motivation, and respect. Feelings like jealousy, hatred, resentfulness, rivalry, and spite feed negativity and depression.
Let go of such inner darkness, and you will have room to embrace the light.
Excerpted from “Thriving Life: How to Live Your Best Life No Matter the Cards You’re Dealt,” by permission of HCI Books.
About the Author
Laura Berg a professor, author, entrepreneur, trained therapist, and award-winning parenting expert. Her YouTube channel,@LauraBergLife, is a top-ranked family channel with over 100 million views. Her first book The Baby Signing Bible has been a global success. She is the president and founder of an international American Sign Language institution called My Smart Hands Inc. that has over 200 instructors across North America.
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